Struggles

It’s been a while since I posted on here. Sitting here tonight struggling to sleep seemed as good of a time as any.

I am blessed. I am so blessed. I’m not blind. God has given me much. Almost everything I’ve ever prayed for I’ve received one way or another. I have a very close family and friends who love and support me. I have a roof over my head. Food on my shelves. Water to drink. A church family that loves me as I am and accepts my drumming and crazy worship dancing. I have health. I have been provided a new kidney and with the exception of allergies currently I have never felt better in my whole life. And I’m using this second chance since the transplant to live my life to the fullest.  

But there’s still struggles. I still face demons. It’s why I hate the night. It’s why I dread going to bed sometimes. It’s when my mind betrays me and it overlooks what I have and reminds me what I don’t. It reminds me of the one, longest most sought after prayer. While I am seldom alone. I face the demons of loneliness often. Laying alone in bed makes me feel more alone than any other time. 

Truth is, I did fall in love with someone, but it didn’t work out. Rejection hurts any way you paint it. I can’t blame her. I can’t make her love me any more than I can’t stop myself from loving her. I’ve had many moments where I’ve been angry at God about it though. I’ve wrestled with Him. Demanded to know why? Why when I prayed about my relationship with her I felt led to her, and to find out she was led away from me? I wanted to know why when He said it’s not good for man to be alone all the way back when the world was first created, why then is it now perfectly fine for me to be? Did I do something wrong? Am I being punished? God knows my heart. He knows my longing to have someone special. A partner. A true best friend to share my life with. Yet, I remain a lone wolf. 

I see at the Emergancy Room where I work almost every day, at least one person. A man or a woman brought in from a nursing home. They’re wasting away, pure loneliness in their eyes, and no family. Never married. Siblings friends  and parents either passed or unable to come about. Trapped in those beds being took care by strangers. The idea of ending up like that terrifies me. My greatest fear is that I’ll grow old alone and forgotten. 

Yet, even in my darkest nights I still cling to a ray of hope. A hope in my God. Who promises to never leave me or forsake me. One who tells me that it is not Good for me to be alone, and that He is preparing a helper and a partner for me. I know she’s out there. My partner. My love. My best friend. I don’t know when we will be together. But until then I’ll still cling to my hope through my struggles. He has proven to be faithful through many things. He won’t fail me in this. It will come to pass in His perfect timing. Maybe she’s even facing the same struggles and demons I am. 

I just have to keep hanging on. Listen to my family and friends who encourage me to keep putting one step ahead of another, and face those demons head on with my cape blowing behind me. 

I still struggle. But I also still have hope. And I pray that whoever she is.  Wherever she is, that she has peace and happiness in her sleep tonight.