A little thing called love

It's been a while since I posted something here. I've been blessed with a kidney transplant. Have had complications but overall I've been recovering well. 

I've had a lot of physical pain through it. But unfortunately, I've experienced some emotional pain. Without going into much detail, but I've experience a pain and heartbreak I never had before. I had fallen hard for a woman who didn't return my feelings, but cared enough to not wish to hurt my feelings. It came to a peak this weekend when she let me know, as to not lead me on, that she had met someone and they were exploring a relationship together. 

I was shattered. I was hurt. And I was angry. It came at a time too when I was bed bound. So unfortunately all I could do was think about it. Fortunately all I could do was think about it. 

I was unable to do much rational thinking the first few days. The pain and anger was too much. As the classic rock song says: "Love hurts, love scars, love wounds and marks. Any heart not tough or strong enough to take a lot of pain, take a lot of pain. Love is like a cloud that holds a lot of rain. Love hurts. Oh, love hurts." 

Once the pain let up a little, it hasn't gone away but it has gotten bearable, I began to meditate and pray. And contemplate love. What is love. Everyone wants it. Everyone needs it.  Everyone loves something or someone. Even if they say they don't. Everyone has something or someone special. Webster defined Love as: 1 : a quality or feeling of strong or constant affection for and dedication to another <motherly love> 2 a : attraction based on sexual desire : the strong affection and tenderness felt by lovers b : a beloved person 

I like Paul's definition of love personally in 1 Corinthians: 4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

"Love never fails." So, what happens if it's not returned? Does that mean that Paul was wrong? Did it fail? Did my love for this woman fail me? My love for her fit almost every bit of Paul's definition but a few. I did envy when I found out that her attention was on another man. And I was mad and hurt by the situation. I wanted her to notice me. I wanted her to want me. I wanted her to love me. But I can't make her love me any more than she can make me not love her. Love is one of those wildfire emotions that you can't control. It can make you feel wonderful or it can make you crash down harder than ever before. 

But the greatest of all loves are the ones that are unconditional. I knew for a long time that she didn't return my feelings. I prayed and I hope one day they would be. But as I meditated prayed and thought about my feelings. I discovered something. My love for her didn't require her to love me back. And even knowing she is dating another guy, my love hasn't even been fazed. Am I feeling pain? Yes. Am I hurting? You bet. Is it going to take time? Yes. But, has my love failed me or her? I can confidently say no it has not. It hasn't faltered or changed. And this has puzzles me. How could my love survive this pain. How could it survive the hurt. I've been hurt like this before and my typical response is to cut ties and run. To protect myself and my heart. But ... this time was different. When I was hurt. I wanted to take her in my arms and hold her. I didn't want to run from her and this awkward painful situation. No, I wanted to run TO her. 

I do admit the pain and anger have bubbles up and made me say things I regret to her. I have apologized for this and told her as we attempt to salvage the friendship we had. All the while I've been in a fight with my heart. People tell me to cut ties and just leave her to her choices. But that's not what my heart says. Furthermore. That's not what I feel when I go to my Heavenly Father. From the very beginning I've prayed and seeked council from pastor friends on my feelings for her. And the word I got from the Father on if she was "the One" was not a yes nor a no. I was always told "Be patient with her". I took that more of a proceed with caution. But after what happened I've seeked the Father more. And I've got the same word. To be patient with her. The pain hasn't helped me with that but I'm trying. She came into my life for a reason. Or I came into hers for a reason. Or both. I had thought I was meant to be her husband and partner. It seems I was wrong. But I still do love her. And as I was commanded I am being patient with her and our situation. 

I have come to realize that my love for her has been unconditional. Which as with my selfish personality it could have only came from God. My love never wavered when I knew she hadn't yet returned them, and now as she pursues a relationship with another man, it remains stedfast. I have acknowledged she will likely never love me as more than a friend and brother in Christ. It was a painful revelation, but doesn't change my love and it's drive to support her and be there for her for the things she's called to do and bring her happiness. 

I'll always love her. If it can survive what it has gone through. I don't see it fading. It's bitter sweet. But it is what it is. If God brings her back around to me in a romantic fashion or I meet someone else more suited for me, I'll still always hold a special place in my heart for this special woman. 

To love something and someone unconditionally is a blessing and a gift from God. It's something to treasure. And it doesn't require anything in return. Even to be loved back. Just as the greatest and most unconditional love of all from our Father. As the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life. I have a love that cannot be phased for one person which could one day fail and is corrupted by my sinful flesh. But for all the world, God has a love that will never fail and never waver. A love so great that he gave his own Son to make a way that we could be counted as sons and daughters. 

I'm asking for prayers as I deal with the grief of my unrequited love, pray for this wonderful young woman as she explores a relationship with this young man, and for all of us to always seek God's guidance and leadership in our lives. 

I'll close with the type of relationship and love that I desire in my life. The live and relationship of husband and wife, as described by Paul in Ephesians 5: 22-33 

“Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. "Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh." This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.”

‭‭Ephesians‬ ‭5:22-33‬ ‭ESV‬‬

God bless you all. 

Dusty signing out.